I Was a Teenage Abomination/Transcript
Eda: Well, Luz... did you ever in your life think you'd see something as breathtaking as this? Luz: I don't like this. Eda: Yes, it doesn't get much more inspiring than the trash slug. It makes a home, a life from what others have thrown by the wayside. Until, blam, it gets blasted by a wave one day and croaks from all the salt. And then we get to sell the stuff it ate. Luz: Please don't make me. King: Aw, come on, Luz. It's not every day you get to go to the dump and pick apart a garbage carcass. Eda: Ah, nuts to you both. [crashes] Luz: So, Eda... [glass shatters] Luz: What if we tried some new lessons for my apprenticeship? Like... [crashes] Luz: Read ancient scrolls or mix together potions, or‐ Eda: Ugh. That sounds like a bunch of magic school stuff. Luz: Wait. Is there a magic school here? Like, winding towers, cute uniforms, dark plots that threaten your life kind of magic school? Eda: Mm‐hmm. What's worse, they force you to learn magic the "proper" way. But magic isn't proper. It's wild and unpredictable. And that's why it's so beautiful. I didn't finish school, and look at me! Who wouldn't envy where I am right now? Uh... Hey, here's a lesson. A great witch is resourceful, like this. Luz: Oh, hey. Greasy slime ball. Eda: Use your slime ball wisely, young witch. Back at it! We'll hit the stink nodes first. Luz: Actually, if it's okay, I think I'll head home and look at pictures of animals that are still alive. Love you, King. [giggles] You little beach peach. King: [sighs] Eda: More for me, then. [clattering] Eda: There we go. [grunting] King: Ow! This is awesome! THEME Monster: [panting] Luz: Ugh! If magic's all about digging for slime balls, maybe I don't have the stomach for it. Girl's voice: You can do it! You can! Luz: Mysterious voice of encouragement? [gasps] No! Little witch girl. Girl: You can do it. Even if you get a bad grade, it's not a reflection of you as a witch. And my parents are right. There are better opportunities on this track. Now, get to school! Oh, no! Oh, little friend! I'm sorry! Luz: [gasps] Amity: Willow! Wow. You're so unnoticeable I almost rolled into ya. [chuckles] Willow: Hi, Amity. Amity: Uh, shouldn't you get to class early to prep your... [rattling] [groaning, gasping] Amity: Oh, Willow. You don't have anything to show, do you? Luz: Witch drama! Amity: [sighs] This is why people call you "Half‐a‐Witch Willow." [rattling] Amity: Oh, looks like someone wants to say something to you. Abomination, rise. Abomination: [gasping, groaning] [groans] You're a... star. Amity: Aw. It's like mine. But much smaller, and meaningless. As top student, it's my duty to tell you to keep at it. Even you could get a passing grade someday. Abomination, cower. [groans] Amity: See you in class, superstar. Willow: "Oh, see you in class, superstar!" I hate when she does that. I hate making abominations. I hate getting bad grades. Ugh! I can't stand this anymore. [shouts] Luz: [gasps] [rumbling] Luz: Ahh! [screams] Eda: Not a bad haul. That oviduct was loaded. King: Ah. Lose apprentice, gain garbage eggs. Fair trade. Eda: [scoffs] I didn't lose anything. King: If you don't teach Luz right, you will. And that's when I come in, make her my apprentice. Eda: Ha! And what would you teach? How to get stuck in the arm of a sweater? King: Hey, that only happened once! I'd teach her about demons. How to identify them, talk to 'em, raise an army with them and tear apart the world! Eda: After they tear you out of the sweater arm, right? King: You think you're so smart! Well, why don't we make a little bet where I can prove that I'd make a better teacher. Eda: Okay. I'm obligated to remind you that I only use our bets to utterly humiliate you. And... that you've never won. King: I like those odds. Eda: So how's this: teach this trashslug to be your loyal soldier in one day. Prove that you can be a better teacher than me, and Luz is all yours. But if you don't, I change your name from King to Mr. Wiggles. King: Well, when you lose, you'll have to... wear a shame hat and sleep in a shack and never come into the Owl House again! Ha! Eda: Deal. [King squeaks] King: [grunts] [slug trills] Eda: Ha ha! [rumbling] Willow: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I'm so sorry! Luz: It's okay. The thorns only went through a few layers of skin. Willow: So... circly. Luz: [squeals] Willow: [gasps] You're human! This is astounding! [gasps] A human on the Boiling Isles! How'd you get here? What are you doing here? [bells pealing] Willow: Uh, I'm sorry. I can't stay. I have to go disappoint my teacher. It was nice to meet you, human. Luz: Wait! I'm Luz. And you're Willow, right? What you did with that flower and those plants, it was... wow. Willow: Thanks, but... I'm not even supposed to be doing plant magic. My parents put me in the abomination track at school. Luz: [squeals] Like, magic school? That's so cool! I'm so jealous. I have a teacher, but her lessons are a bit untraditional. I bet she wouldn't even let me enroll. But I wish I could spend one day there. Willow: I wish I could get a passing grade for once. Then people would stop calling me "Half‐a‐Witch Willow." [groans] Luz: Hey, wait. I know how we can both get what we want. Make me your abomination. I'll get you a good grade, and you can get me into magic school. It's fiendishly clever. Willow: What? Luz: I saw that girl's thing. It's just chunks of stuff that talks weird. I'm chunks of stuff, and I talk weird! Willow: That's true. [giggles] Okay. It's a deal. Luz. Luz: This is a great plan. Willow: Oops. Abomination goo. [both grunting] Luz: Great plan. Willow: Welcome to Hexside School of Magic and Demonics. Remember to stay hidden, okay? Luz: [squeals, giggles] Willow: Hmm? Gus: Willow, you would not believe humans. Willow: Humans? Psh. I haven't seen any. What? Gus: Did you know that humans nail barbed wire to their kids' teeth? But why? Maybe to make them magnetic. Actually, it's for storing treats. Willow: Okay, Augustus. I'm gonna tell you something. But you have to be cool. Gus: I can be spool. [stammers] I mean, cool. Willow: Okay. Abomination, rise. Luz: Ta‐da! I'm an abomination. Willow: Luz, that's not how abominations act. Gus: No. No, it, it couldn't be. Willow: He's the president of the Human Appreciation Society. Most witches wouldn't be able to recognize a human right away. But Augustus is an expert. Gus: Where are your gills? Luz: I knew an Augustus back in the human world. We called him Gus. Gus: Gus? Nickname? Human nickname? Gus? Call me it. Wow. Gus. This is the best day of my life. [screaming] Gus: I've gotta get to spelling class. See you guys at lunch! Willow: All right. Into the darkness you go. Luz: [hisses] King: Aw. Who's a good Prince, Jr.? Who's a good guy? Eda: Hey, Mr. Wiggles. You're not gonna teach it anything doing that. King: It's called positive reinforcement, Eda. And it works wonders. Ha ha! See? Now watch this. Prince, Jr.! Attack Eda! Knock over her drink! Mess up her hair! Eda: Oh, no. Please stop. King: Well, I haven't seen your student in forever. For all we know, she's not even loyal to you anymore. Eda: [chuckles] You wish. But yeah. Where is she? Male student: Hope I pass. Female student: I'm confident about this. [groaning] Teacher: Hmm. Too many toenails in unexpected places. Fail. Pathetic! The biggest abominations are all of you! If the next abomination is a failure, everyone gets extra homework for a month! [all grumbling] Male student: Extra homework? Not again! Teacher: [clears throat] And the next one to come up is... Amity: Excuse me, sir, but I am ready to present my abomination. Rise! [groaning] Teacher: [chuckles] I've always saved the best for last, Amity. You'll have to wait your turn. How about... Willow. Male student: Not Half‐a‐Witch. Female student: Great. Homework for a month. Luz: Don't listen to them, Willow. We can do this. Willow: Uh... Abomination, rise. Luz: [grunts] Ta‐da! [all gasp] Willow: Abomination, bow. Luz: [grunts] Blah! Teacher: Very impressive. But does it speak? Luz: Uh, I may be your abomination, but you're my a‐mom‐ination. Students: Aw! Teacher: [laughs] "A‐mom‐ination!" Splendid wordplay. A plus! [students cheer] [screams, coughs] Teacher: Wonderful work today, Willow. Looks like we have a new top student. Amity: [gasps] [growls] But‐‐ Willow: Uh‐‐ Thank you, sir. Amity: Hey. Willow: [gasps] Amity: Last time I saw you, your abomination was mush. What did you do? Willow: I, uh, took your pep talk to heart, Amity. Amity: I bet you did. I've got my eyes on you, Half‐a‐Witch. That badge is mine. Student: Hey! Willow: Uh‐oh. I think Amity is onto us. Hooty: [grunts] Eda: Have you seen Luz? Hooty: I heard her tiny mouse feet walking close by. Or that might've been some mice. Anyway, someone started moving in that direction. Hoo, hoo‐hoo, hoo. Eda: Are you trying to point, or? Hooty: Look at the weather vane! Eda: But the only thing that way is the‐‐ [gasps] No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Teacher #1: Okay, everyone. Recite your runes. Kids: Krom, Zix, Elgrim, Zenomide‐‐ Eda: No. Blind obedience. Teacher #2: Heximal system time! Let's get memorizin'! Eda: No! Pointless busywork! No! Why! School! Gus: Hey. Do humans eat PB&J's? Luz: Oh, my gosh. I haven't eaten real food in so long. Please give me some. [chomps] Willow: I don't know, Gus. [grumbles] If Amity saw that... Amity: I saw that! Abominations don't eat! I know you're in there! You can't hide from me. What are you? Who are you? I want answers! Teacher: Amity Blight. Amity: Huh? Teacher: I suspected a twinge of jealousy, but this, this is just sad. Amity: But I‐‐ No! Look at it. Luz: [groans] Teacher: Report to Principal Bump's office. Amity: But‐‐ Teacher: Now! [Amity grumbles, grunts] King: Roll over! Yes! Heel! [roars] King: Yes, yes! [roars] King: So, did you find your runaway student? By your expression, I can tell Luz has gone and found herself someplace else to learn. Which means I have won! [roars] Eda: Yes, great, you won. You have a giant soldier thing and I have nothing. Congrats! King: Oh, Eda. Don't say that. At least you have this! [cackling] Eda: Ugh. King: [laughing] I am so funny! Ah, well, Prince, Jr. training complete. Go forth! Make the world tremble at your feet‐‐ or worm stubs. Go forth? Oh. [chuckles] Right. [growls] King: Ah! Luz: Whoo! I'm a sweaty little abomination. But now we don't have to worry about Amity. High five! Slap my hand. It's a human thing. Gus: Oh. Oh, my. Oh, man, what a rush! Principal Bump: Good afternoon, students. Willow: Principal Bump. Principal Bump: Hmm. Abomination, rise. Abomination, lie. Luz: Uh, viral fame is a worthy pursuit. Your cat would never eat you if it got the chance. Chemtrails are real‐‐ Principal Bump: Oh, no, abomination. How strange for it to get the command wrong. I mean lie down. Luz: [chuckles] Principal Bump: So very lifelike. When Miss Blight told me about your abomination, I had to come by, see what she's made of. Willow: Oh, I have her list of ingredients right here. Principal Bump: No. We were hoping... for a closer look. Willow, I'll allow you the first cut. Willow: Uh, you can't just cut open a human, can you? Luz: [chuckles] Principal Bump: Willow, go ahead and make the first incision. Gus: Wait, Principal Bump! Uh, high five! [groaning] Gus: Run! [both gasping] Amity: They're getting away! Principal Bump: No, the intruder won't get far. [grunts] [both panting] Luz: This is all my fault, Willow. I just wanted to see what a real magic school was like. Willow: Well, how do you like it? Luz: It's lovely, actually. [both giggle] Willow: Okay, we should get out of here before‐‐ ...Bump seals us in. King: Help me, help me, help me! [whimpers] [door bangs] Eda: Trouble with your student? King: Yes, yes! Eda: Are you sure you need my help? Maybe he only wants more of your brilliant lessons. [roars] King: [squeals] Please help me! You can call me Mr. Wiggles! [groans] King: [whimpers] Eda: Okay, Mr. Wiggles. Here's what we're gonna do. [both panting] Luz: [gasps] [both gasp] [groaning] Willow: Oh, this is awful. I don't know what to do. Amity's right. I'm just Half‐a‐Witch Willow. Luz: You're Full‐Witch Willow. And you're great. And someone once told me great witches are resourceful. Willow: That's it! Luz: You mean that greasy slime ball? Willow: Luz, it's a seed! Thank goodness you had it on you. Luz: Yeah. Thank goodness someone told me to hold on to it. Willow: Please grow! [rumbling] Luz: [gasps] [grunts] [Abominations grunting] Principal Bump: [grunting, groans] [gasps] Remarkable. Luz: There's the exit! [both panting] Amity: Not so fast! [both gasp] Amity: I'm not letting you get away so easily. I want my badge! Abominations, seize! [groans] Luz: [grunts, pants] [groaning] [panting continues] [groans] Luz: [screams] Willow: Whoa! [groaning continues] Willow: [grunts] Get outta here! No! I'm not leaving you. I may get detention, but you'll get dissected. [groaning continues] Willow: So go! [grunts] Luz: Ah! [grunts] Willow! [sighs] I can't save you right now. But I know someone who can! [grunts] Eda: Pour the salt, now! King: Baby boy! [whimpers] [roars] King: I have no son. Eat salt! [screams] [whimpers] King: Yes, I did it! I'm amazing! Ahh! [grunts, chuckles] You helped too. You are a good teacher. Eda: I wish Luz thought that too. Luz: Eda! Eda: Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is this? Ugh! I never understand when you do this. Luz: Your lesson worked! Keeping junk in my pocket saved my life! [gasps] But wait. My new friends. They're in danger. Willow: Luz! [panting, sighing] Eda: Seriously, what is that? Willow: You won't believe it, Luz. Everything is perfect now! Luz: It's true. I don't believe it. Willow: Principal Bump was so impressed by my plant work he's switching me to the plant magic track! Look! Luz: Yes! [giggles] Whoo! Oh. What about Amity? Gus: Last we saw, she was asking Bump if today could count as extra credit. Luz: Well, I can't wait to see you in action next time I sneak in. Gus: Uh, about that. You're kinda, sorta... banned. Eda: That's my girl! Willow: But we could come here and teach you what we learned. Luz: Aw. That would be nice. But... I have a pretty great teacher already. Eda: Yeah, that's right. Luz is my student. Back off, academy twerps. [all laughing] Eda: Ah, baby's first wanted poster. Good job, kid. Looks like I taught you something after all. Gus: Uh, you high five with your hands, not your head. Category:Transcripts Category:A to Z Category:I Category:Season 1